I am still alive

Ok,
Sob story and then you can slap me or whatever.. So, I've been majorly depressed since last years IM. Why I can't tell you really it affected me deeply. I have gained almost all of my weight back. Yep, fat girl has arisen. Zombiezed? IDK. on with the story.
I am embarrassed that I lost my will to stay healthy. I did not know it would affect me in this way, so profoundly.
I had many frustrations etc. a history of depression, job changes, family changes Ry grd. from school last year etc. but, this has hit me very hard. I can't shake it. I know part of it is that I thought I had made friends with a lot of folks. But, I realized that I had made close acquaintance's not "friends".
My very best friend Jay is always here and still supports me which I have desperately needed. It has been very much appreciated. He's put up with alot of saddness from me.
I still hurt over this stupid race. I can't help it. am I mourning, more than likely yes. I really thought I could due it. I knew deep down I was not ready but, stuff happens. Plagued with long recoveries over a bad injury that did not want to heal. Broken confidence in myself. a change in jobs that ended up being a bad move, a second change 1 month later, then I got laid off in October of this year, tried 2 different jobs and still no go. I have not been able to settle in anywhere.
I am frustrated. Jay's working his bootay off 2 FT jobs! I can't keep one. Granted the one in Dec. was a risk to my license and very bad for the residents, I could not stay there, then Januaries new job, started out ok, I worked a 24 hour shift! not good, and then after I was there 3 days they fired all 4 resident care managers. I was only supposed to take call once every 7 weeks, it changed to once every other weekend and taking call during the week as well! That was never discussed at my interview. There was more with that but suffice it to say Jay encouraged me to leave. I had received a position to teach Nursing assistants and to give delegation classes. Well, I have not started yet and I have been out of work since the 2nd of April. More frustration.
Things have really changed. I'm still battling out the depression stuff. But, it's coming to an end. I feel that my resolve will get better. I have been reading other folks blogs and race reports and it's sparked the healthy me a bit. I found some inspiration and hope so anyway. Perhaps, I will be able to get back on track. I'm even considering trying Valley Girl next year? If I can get this damn fat off of me again! :( Run and even think of trying to get into a wetsuit again.
The end of Jay's doubles are coming soon and we will be back in the saddle (bike seat again) someday soon I hope. For now. I have learned to deal with my failures that have plagued me the past year and a half. I have focused on my family, and enjoying life without restriction for awhile.
Please, don't hate me or be offended about my reference to acquaintance's. It's not bad I just thought I had found some real support. I had as long as I was racing. I get that now. I am looking forward to the Tiger Tri. I have already been called by the race director asking to run the water/1st aide station again. I told them I would be happy to. My mom really enjoys that and so does Ryan even if he denies it. Although, this year he will be in California possibly visiting friends or working as he has a job with collegepro painters painting houses this summer.
I would love to reconnect with my tri-fusion folk. Please look me up on face book. I would love to be in contact.
I hope to start running again soon before it gets too warm. Hope to see you out on the trails.
TTFN